Monday, April 11, 2016

What is On My Mind When I'm Losing My Virginity

I know this must be a very sensitive issues. Religion wise. I just hope that I can help more people to understand what to expect when losing your virginity. Credit to 21 Thoughts Every Teen Has When They Think About Losing Their Virginity . It exactly what I asked myself most of the time over and over again. I'm afraid if I'm going to regret my decision which I did shortly after my first time.

1. Who will I lose my virginity to?

I used to think that I would keep my virginity until I'm married since it is the proper way but as I said earlier, I cannot control my desire. I tried but in the end I just can't control it.

2. Will it hurt?
In my case, it hurt so bad. The pain is excruciating. First, because I'm tense. Secondly because I'm not wet enough. The blood that I saw on Him and the sheet is too much. Both of us were so surprised to saw such a great quantity of blood involved. It do sting when I peed but it gets better. The second time is pretty much easier and it didn't even hurt at all.

3. What's it going to feel like?
For me, it feels tight. I think my partner is way too big. The pressure from him is making me breathless. It's like someone forcing a cucumber in my nostrils. The next session, I didn't feel the tightness anymore. I don't know if I'm using a correct term but this is what I feel during my first time.

4. Will I be nervous?
I'm so nervous on that time that my body become so tense. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what should I do, where should I put my hands, etc.

5. Will He be nervous?
I think he didn't nervous at all as he's been doing this for so many times already with his ex-gf and current gf. I do noticed he started to panicked when he saw the blood tough.

6. What if I'm really bad at it?
I'm not sure but I think I'm pretty woody. I'm just lying, doing nothing but he instruct me what to do and where to touch him so I guess I'm pretty bad at it. As times goes by, I'll get better and finally improving my skills. I'm still in the process of learning lots of stuff now.

7.I wonder where will it happen?
Mine is at his room where he shared it with his brother and sister in law. During the first time, we're by ourselves so we're free to do it without being cautious of making too much sounds. I still remembered during that time, there are only pillow and bed without the sheets. The room is hot and I remembered I sweat a lot that he helped me to wipe it.

8. What if I do it before I'm ready?
I still remembered when he asked me when I'm ready, my answer is I'm not ready and never will be ready. He asked me he need to wait until when? When I agreed to do it, I must say that I'm not ready yet. Mentally. Physically. I just go with the flow.

9. Will it be planned or will it be spontaneous?
In my case, it was spontaneous because I went to his room with the thought that we will only do some kissing and rubbing. It somehow lead to another big thing.

10. Should I wait for a special occasion?
This is what I planned last time. To give my virginity to my husband only. I think virginity is so precious that I should wait but things happen. I made it. I cannot turn back the time. If I were given a chance to save my virginity, I would say yes. Why? I think because I'm giving it to someone who not even my boyfriend.

11. Should I bring a condom?
Yes, you probably should but in my case when he refused to even wear the condom, I cannot force him. I could but I just couldn't. How silly. I know. To be unprotected. It making me restless. My mind is always full with this question "am I pregnant?". Know what, if the man love you he should be able to give you sense of security by being protected. I should be firm.

12.Will he have condom with him?
No. He refused.

13. Is it going to be like this in the movies?
Not really. It wasn't as perfect as in the movies. I didn't know losing virginity could resulted in a messy bloody thingy.

14. Is it going to be really awkward and weird?
I must say yes. There are lots of noise. Haha.

15. What if I get pregnant?
I asks this a lot and I'm grateful that until now I haven't despite being unprotected. But the chance is still high and I don't even dare to think about what would I do.

16. Do I tell him I'm a Virgin?
Yes because I trusted him. He said all of his ex-gf and gf is not a virgin so why not trying someone who's virgin he said. I'm regretting it now. I could wait and give it to someone who really love me rather that this guy who only doing it for his pleasures.

17. What if I feel really insecure?
I'm so insecure on that time because I'm at my fattest state. I'm afraid he will saw my cellulite, tonnes of fats that I've been hiding under the large piece of clothes I worn everyday. My confidence level is so down but I'm just doing it because I know it's the virginity that he wants anyway so he wouldn't care about my body's condition.
18. I'm scared our relationship will change.

I didn't change anything. We're still friends. You know friends with benefit?How come I could give him my virginity knowing that we're just friends? This is the question that I asked myself until now. I must be so silly.

19. I hope he won't look at me any differently.
 I think he must think I'm cheap. That's for sure.

20. I'm sure it will be fine. If I like him and he likes me, what could go wrong?
In my case it was 1 sided love. I love him but I know he didn't have the same feelings towards me. He is in the stable relationship someone else. I know, I'm blinded by love that I'm willing to do this as long as he is satisfied. It is painful but I believe that I'll meet someone who's going to appreciate me and someone who's going to love me just the way I am.

So whatever decisions you gonna make, think carefully. If you're so silly as me, blinded by love, think back. 



I'm Fat and I know It.

Went to work like usual when someone told me that I'm getting fatter. It's not that I cannot accept that I'm fat, I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best to do everything. It makes my feel so down. I know I shouldn't be. After all, it's my body anyway. I cannot asks people to shut their mouth. It's their mouth anyway. What I can do is to just keep trying to lose weight and maintain a healthy life style.

This is my weight progress.

On November 2015, my weight is 39KG this is due to the DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis).

After getting treated for almost 4 months, now, I weighted around 60KG. 

My BMI is 24.0. It still in the normal range but one step closer to being overweight. 

My plan now is to loss my weight first and then to toned up my body. I also attending the MMA and Muay Thai class for fitness purposes.

I'll be back with my weight loss journey sometime later.

See ya.