Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Good Fantastic Morning!

23 days after my post-op of total Thyroidectomy. I'm glad that the operation is successful and the scar is healing nicely.

I'm grateful that I have another 21 days  medical leaves. I couldn't be happier.

I'm grateful that I'm healthy.

I'm grateful that I'm still alive despite having admitted to the causality unit for my DKA and it resolves after just a day.

I'm grateful that my family is still staying as 1 strong unit of team.

I'm grateful for my boyfriend who's been taking care of me while I'm admitted in the ward. For the financial and moral support.

I'm grateful that I still have my career.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Friday, June 24, 2016


6 weeks of pregnancy.

Sore nipples. Tender boobs. Milk discharge. Bloating. Crazy appetite, cravings for lots of foods stuff especially the sour, salty and sweet stuff.Constipation. Hunger pangs. Morning sickness. Feeling hot all the time, need to use air-conditioner and fan at the same time. Mood swings.  Heart burn. Weight loss. Frequent urination.

After 3 pregnancy test kit, i saw a line. Very faint line. Missed my period. It used to be regular. I started to panicked. Told my boyfriend about it and am glad he said he will take full responsibility. He just hoped that it wouldn't occur. The pregnancy. We're not married. Both working. Met each other families. My family side seems to have a little problem. They have trust issue.

The moment I found out, I'm scared. Thinking a lot. Futures. Families reactions. I just want things to be normal again. No baby on board but the risk is always there for we're doing it unprotected. Keep thinking of way to self abort. Googled everything. The pills, clinics and natural way of abortion. I want to get kick in my stomach. I don't want it.

The next couples of weeks, told my best friend about it and he said that the pregnancy is God's gift to me. To have a health problem, DM type 1 and uncontrolled hyperthyroid I think it's impossible because my body might not be suitable enough for a pregnancy. He advised to keep the pregnancy. I start to have this imaginations of having a baby of my own. I wonder how he/she will look like. I wonder what type of mother I will be. I start to accept the pregnancy. The thought of abortion is not my choice anymore. I want to keep this baby despite whatever challenges that I will face in the future. This baby is a gift despite my poor health condition. I want it. I've enjoyed all the changes. How my body is preparing to carry a baby.

This Monday, I've experiencing the worst cramp on my stomach. The pain is so bad that I couldn't even stand up. Forced myself to work. Went to do no.1, I noticed blood on my panties. Lots of blood lump.

I know it's over.

Maybe I don't deserve to be a mother or God must want me to be a mother when I'm well prepared. Maybe the baby knows that I didn't want it on the first place. I kept remembering my last feelings before. My last feeling is I want it. It hurts. I'm sad because I've expect too much.

One day before, I remember how I really loved to see the green forest. I never felt like this before. This time I felt like I'm one with the nature. The cold breeze. The sound of the leaves when the wind blows. I guess it must be the gift from my baby. It must be my baby who might said "I'm sorry mummy, before I go let me give you this gift of peace."

I'm sorry baby for not being able to bring you to see the world. I'm sorry that I didn't want you on the first place. I'm sorry for being selfish. Sorry baby.

I'm grateful for having this priceless experience.

Monday, April 11, 2016

What is On My Mind When I'm Losing My Virginity

I know this must be a very sensitive issues. Religion wise. I just hope that I can help more people to understand what to expect when losing your virginity. Credit to 21 Thoughts Every Teen Has When They Think About Losing Their Virginity . It exactly what I asked myself most of the time over and over again. I'm afraid if I'm going to regret my decision which I did shortly after my first time.

1. Who will I lose my virginity to?

I used to think that I would keep my virginity until I'm married since it is the proper way but as I said earlier, I cannot control my desire. I tried but in the end I just can't control it.

2. Will it hurt?
In my case, it hurt so bad. The pain is excruciating. First, because I'm tense. Secondly because I'm not wet enough. The blood that I saw on Him and the sheet is too much. Both of us were so surprised to saw such a great quantity of blood involved. It do sting when I peed but it gets better. The second time is pretty much easier and it didn't even hurt at all.

3. What's it going to feel like?
For me, it feels tight. I think my partner is way too big. The pressure from him is making me breathless. It's like someone forcing a cucumber in my nostrils. The next session, I didn't feel the tightness anymore. I don't know if I'm using a correct term but this is what I feel during my first time.

4. Will I be nervous?
I'm so nervous on that time that my body become so tense. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what should I do, where should I put my hands, etc.

5. Will He be nervous?
I think he didn't nervous at all as he's been doing this for so many times already with his ex-gf and current gf. I do noticed he started to panicked when he saw the blood tough.

6. What if I'm really bad at it?
I'm not sure but I think I'm pretty woody. I'm just lying, doing nothing but he instruct me what to do and where to touch him so I guess I'm pretty bad at it. As times goes by, I'll get better and finally improving my skills. I'm still in the process of learning lots of stuff now.

7.I wonder where will it happen?
Mine is at his room where he shared it with his brother and sister in law. During the first time, we're by ourselves so we're free to do it without being cautious of making too much sounds. I still remembered during that time, there are only pillow and bed without the sheets. The room is hot and I remembered I sweat a lot that he helped me to wipe it.

8. What if I do it before I'm ready?
I still remembered when he asked me when I'm ready, my answer is I'm not ready and never will be ready. He asked me he need to wait until when? When I agreed to do it, I must say that I'm not ready yet. Mentally. Physically. I just go with the flow.

9. Will it be planned or will it be spontaneous?
In my case, it was spontaneous because I went to his room with the thought that we will only do some kissing and rubbing. It somehow lead to another big thing.

10. Should I wait for a special occasion?
This is what I planned last time. To give my virginity to my husband only. I think virginity is so precious that I should wait but things happen. I made it. I cannot turn back the time. If I were given a chance to save my virginity, I would say yes. Why? I think because I'm giving it to someone who not even my boyfriend.

11. Should I bring a condom?
Yes, you probably should but in my case when he refused to even wear the condom, I cannot force him. I could but I just couldn't. How silly. I know. To be unprotected. It making me restless. My mind is always full with this question "am I pregnant?". Know what, if the man love you he should be able to give you sense of security by being protected. I should be firm.

12.Will he have condom with him?
No. He refused.

13. Is it going to be like this in the movies?
Not really. It wasn't as perfect as in the movies. I didn't know losing virginity could resulted in a messy bloody thingy.

14. Is it going to be really awkward and weird?
I must say yes. There are lots of noise. Haha.

15. What if I get pregnant?
I asks this a lot and I'm grateful that until now I haven't despite being unprotected. But the chance is still high and I don't even dare to think about what would I do.

16. Do I tell him I'm a Virgin?
Yes because I trusted him. He said all of his ex-gf and gf is not a virgin so why not trying someone who's virgin he said. I'm regretting it now. I could wait and give it to someone who really love me rather that this guy who only doing it for his pleasures.

17. What if I feel really insecure?
I'm so insecure on that time because I'm at my fattest state. I'm afraid he will saw my cellulite, tonnes of fats that I've been hiding under the large piece of clothes I worn everyday. My confidence level is so down but I'm just doing it because I know it's the virginity that he wants anyway so he wouldn't care about my body's condition.
18. I'm scared our relationship will change.

I didn't change anything. We're still friends. You know friends with benefit?How come I could give him my virginity knowing that we're just friends? This is the question that I asked myself until now. I must be so silly.

19. I hope he won't look at me any differently.
 I think he must think I'm cheap. That's for sure.

20. I'm sure it will be fine. If I like him and he likes me, what could go wrong?
In my case it was 1 sided love. I love him but I know he didn't have the same feelings towards me. He is in the stable relationship someone else. I know, I'm blinded by love that I'm willing to do this as long as he is satisfied. It is painful but I believe that I'll meet someone who's going to appreciate me and someone who's going to love me just the way I am.

So whatever decisions you gonna make, think carefully. If you're so silly as me, blinded by love, think back. 



I'm Fat and I know It.

Went to work like usual when someone told me that I'm getting fatter. It's not that I cannot accept that I'm fat, I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best to do everything. It makes my feel so down. I know I shouldn't be. After all, it's my body anyway. I cannot asks people to shut their mouth. It's their mouth anyway. What I can do is to just keep trying to lose weight and maintain a healthy life style.

This is my weight progress.

On November 2015, my weight is 39KG this is due to the DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis).

After getting treated for almost 4 months, now, I weighted around 60KG. 

My BMI is 24.0. It still in the normal range but one step closer to being overweight. 

My plan now is to loss my weight first and then to toned up my body. I also attending the MMA and Muay Thai class for fitness purposes.

I'll be back with my weight loss journey sometime later.

See ya.




Thursday, March 24, 2016

One Night Stand

Desire. It's one thing that is really hard to control. I still remember, few years back when I promised myself that I would never do things that will torn my dignity but I still did it in the end. Things that will violate my religions belief. Guilt and regret. Lots of possibility and consequences.

I could stop him but I couldn't. I should control myself but I couldn't. Things are out of control. I must be insane. There is no protection at all. It's a messy business that resulted in blood.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

I Can Wait Forever-Air Supply (lyrics)

Been playing this song over and over again. Am I waiting for my boyfriend? No, I don't have one and I planned to not to pressure myself upon this marriage issues. I do want to love and be loved but I think it was too risky to hurt myself at the end of the day so I don't want to think about love at this moment. My focus now is more to myself, my diabetes and hyperthyroid, my parents, my siblings and also my pets which consist of lots of fishes and adopted kitty as well as the turtles.

Enjoy the songs and I hope it will haunt you as well.

Take care.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Admitted to the hospital for 2 months

 Who cares? If I'm admitted for how many months, no one cares but who cares? I still want to share my experience.

First I'm admitted because of dKa( Diabetesketoneacidosis), due to uncontrolled BG. Then, they( the doctors) plan to get me a total thyroidectormy but after been admitted for 2 months, my TSH is still high it was cancelled again. I wondered is it because of my medication dosage or what but it seems like it really hard to control.

Will get back to you.