Miscarriage

6 weeks of pregnancy.

Sore nipples. Tender boobs. Milk discharge. Bloating. Crazy appetite, cravings for lots of foods stuff especially the sour, salty and sweet stuff.Constipation. Hunger pangs. Morning sickness. Feeling hot all the time, need to use air-conditioner and fan at the same time. Mood swings.  Heart burn. Weight loss. Frequent urination.

After 3 pregnancy test kit, i saw a line. Very faint line. Missed my period. It used to be regular. I started to panicked. Told my boyfriend about it and am glad he said he will take full responsibility. He just hoped that it wouldn't occur. The pregnancy. We're not married. Both working. Met each other families. My family side seems to have a little problem. They have trust issue.

The moment I found out, I'm scared. Thinking a lot. Futures. Families reactions. I just want things to be normal again. No baby on board but the risk is always there for we're doing it unprotected. Keep thinking of way to self abort. Googled everything. The pills, clinics and natural way of abortion. I want to get kick in my stomach. I don't want it.

The next couples of weeks, told my best friend about it and he said that the pregnancy is God's gift to me. To have a health problem, DM type 1 and uncontrolled hyperthyroid I think it's impossible because my body might not be suitable enough for a pregnancy. He advised to keep the pregnancy. I start to have this imaginations of having a baby of my own. I wonder how he/she will look like. I wonder what type of mother I will be. I start to accept the pregnancy. The thought of abortion is not my choice anymore. I want to keep this baby despite whatever challenges that I will face in the future. This baby is a gift despite my poor health condition. I want it. I've enjoyed all the changes. How my body is preparing to carry a baby.

This Monday, I've experiencing the worst cramp on my stomach. The pain is so bad that I couldn't even stand up. Forced myself to work. Went to do no.1, I noticed blood on my panties. Lots of blood lump.

I know it's over.

Maybe I don't deserve to be a mother or God must want me to be a mother when I'm well prepared. Maybe the baby knows that I didn't want it on the first place. I kept remembering my last feelings before. My last feeling is I want it. It hurts. I'm sad because I've expect too much.

One day before, I remember how I really loved to see the green forest. I never felt like this before. This time I felt like I'm one with the nature. The cold breeze. The sound of the leaves when the wind blows. I guess it must be the gift from my baby. It must be my baby who might said "I'm sorry mummy, before I go let me give you this gift of peace."

I'm sorry baby for not being able to bring you to see the world. I'm sorry that I didn't want you on the first place. I'm sorry for being selfish. Sorry baby.

I'm grateful for having this priceless experience.